After Love Died

After Love died, I shattered. To all appearances, a version of me continued to function, carrying

on with the myriad of tasks sudden death leaves behind. A few weeks later, a series of

suggestions and circumstances led me to Marilyn Kaplan’s bereavement group at Hoag

Hospital. The group helped me walk through sorrow, and painstakingly begin to create a new

life.

Ten years later, Marilyn invited me to create a poem for the groups’ Thanksgiving Eve event.

Here is the poem. Muse tells the story far better than me.

Journey to self

Love’s death marked the beginning

of my solitary life

an end to accommodating

the myriad compromises

of living with another

untethered

alone

the self I knew

shattered crystal

held together by suffocating grief

suspended in uncertainty

tortured by the possibility

he drowned

the futility of what might have been

loneliness waited patiently

as sorrow and regret consumed me

a woman I barely recognized

began to surface

an incongruous reflection

eyes caverns of loss

belying a smile

that was more a tic

a peculiar Tourette’s

incongruous

bereavement group at Hoag

offered hope

wrapped in tearstorms

Marilyn led us through pain

with compassion and wisdom

sessions beginning with checking in

our names

that of our loved one

date of death

and cause of death

wrenched from our sorrow

she said there would be gifts

the worst had already happened

I was incredulous

angry

how could she possibly understand

we held each other’s hands

toddlers in a changed world

journaling

writing goodbye letters

describing the day before

the nightmare of death

ever so slowly

the comfort of shared loss

worked its magic

we began to care

first about each other

eventually ourselves

check-in less wrenching

weeks and milestones passed

in agonizing darkness

a dozen kindred spirits

combined our inner light

to find our way

lunch, coffee

a slumber party

the first New Year’s Eve

friendships emerged

that have grown to lifelong connection

enduring ten years later

through distance

marriages

the roller coaster of our lives

characterized by love and laughter now

memories eliciting smiles

warm tears

you wouldn’t recognize our group now

born in shared pain and grief

nurtured as we held each other’s spirits

secure in understanding

life goes on

in its astounding

fragile

glory.

Selma Mann

Hoag Pastoral Care Program,

November 27, 2019